Edmund's A Munster!
by xkhrystal
Summary: Edmund's a munster" Charlie shrieked. I rolled my eyes at his brainless error. Story about Cullens post eclipse as if breaking dawn never happened. Warning contains gangsters… D it starts on Edward's birthday! D its also my birthday...


**"Edmund's A Munster" Charlie shrieks.**

**A/N: "Edmund's a Munster!" says Charlie. Mostly non canon, post eclipse, as if breaking dawn never happened, fluff, suppose to be funny, OOC, most canon couples. This is mostly like a 'what if…' kind of story. The what if is "what if Edward and Bella never got married and Bella never became a vampire?" I might change the title if I find a better one. I read a fanfic kind of like this, but I made MAJOR changes to the characters however, I used a similar situation for the first chapter. This is mostly going to be a collection of one shots that somehow tie in together. Like when Esme's laughing in this one part in the story when Edward reads her mind, that will be explained in the next chapter. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE tell me if you like it plus ITS MY BIRTHDAY! AND MY PARENTS DON'T PAY ATTENTION TO ME…. Please review…. Please. If it sucks just say so. If you like the humor please tell me so. R&R R&R R&R R&R R&R R&R R&R! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE! **

**Full Summary :D "Edmund's a munster" Charlie shrieked. I rolled my eyes at his brainless error. Story about Cullen post eclipse if breaking dawn never happened. Warning contains gangsters… =D it starts on Edward's birthday! =D its also my birthday... **

June 20 Edward's POV

The muggy air of Forks was divine. I'd never felt anything like it against my skin. I sat on the back porch of our house, reclined in the lawn chairs Esme had purchased along with Alice in an attempt to bring a more humane and quaint look to our home. The graduation party we'd had last summer had drawn a lot of humans to the mysteries Cullen house, along with new creative ideas to tame our 'other worldly' looking home that many humans had thought in unison.

I hadn't thought much of the outdoor furniture until I began spending most of my cloudy—or rarely cloudless—afternoons lounging in them with Bella. But, today wasn't just any evening really, today was my birthday; June 20th, although it looked like any other day. Today I was turning the immense age of 110. My cool opaque hand rests in her warm supple palm. I could feel they rhythm of her heart beats. They were very calming. I suppose I tried to forget that she was still, in fact, human and would try to enjoy simple things like this.

Gazing out into the immense backyard with vast acres of grass and shrubbery, I watched in wonder and amusement as Charlie, otherwise known as _'Chief Swan'_ played cop. Charlie was a fairly interesting character with an eccentric personality, and was probably one of my favorite humans aside from Bella. He was very humorous and supplied me with amusement when I needed it. But today, like most days, he was just being annoying. I never bothered to ask what exactly his… condition was in fear of upsetting my love, instead I learned to cope and accept the fact Charlie was a lot more different and… special than the rest of us.

Since our first introduction, Charlie had insisted he was a police officer. I knew this was highly unlikely, since I knew each officer by name and face, (when your living in the modern world as a vampire you need to know some things, ok?) though I went along with it. I even spent an entire hour designing and cutting out a fake police badge for him so he could continue playing the part around the neighborhood. They toy gun he carried with him at all times and often pointed in our faces was Emmett's compelling idea. He found Charlie's situation quite amusing and entertaining.

"You're supposed to be dead!" Charlie's abrupt words pulled me from my thoughts as I raised an eyebrow in question. Apparently I had been too wrapped up in my own thoughts to pay the slightest bit of attention to my surroundings.

"PIEW PIEW!" Charlie spat.

I heard myself groaning internally at the annoying, high pitched sound Charlie often made. For some, strange reason the man believed that's what actual gun shots sounded like. For God's sake they stopped using that sound effect in the 70's! That was also probably around the time he lost his sanity…

I forced myself further back in the reclining lawn chair, my eyes bulging as if in pain. I held my chest as if I was shot. This seemed to satisfy him enough to get out of my face and continue shooting the invisible 'bad guys' that polluted the back yard.

I wasn't quite sure how much longer Bella expected me to put up with Charlie—it was like having a child around all the damn time. I let my golden eyes follow him around the yard, cringing as he began singing the 'Chief Swan' song. The same god damned song he'd been singing for weeks.

"I fly like paper! Get high like planes!" I watched as he outstretched his arms, running around aimlessly as if he were some sort of aircraft. I was far too glad we didn't have neighbors living in the houses close to us... "All I wanna do is _PIEW PIEW PIEW PIEW_!" He held the toy gun out, aimed at me from across the yard and pretended to fire it in tune to the gun shot noises in the song. I felt my eye twitch as I briefly contemplated darting across the lawn and ripping his face off. "And a - _chiiing_! And take your money!" His hand now raised into the air, pretending to pull down a fake lotto machine lever. My eyes begged to cry as I watched him wiggle his hips in tune to the song he was humming. My legs twitched, longing to bolt across the yard. Both pale hands clutched the arms of the chair in restraint, my self control slipping...

I breathed an instant sigh of relief as the patio door swung open, the commotion of another family member joining us outside easing my frustration. Emmett came out, dressed in his typical outfits. Somewhere over the last year and a half he had come up with this crazy assumption that he was in fact African American. Nobody in the family had the heart to tell him otherwise. My eyes studied his baggy pants and wife beater motif, as well as the ball cap turned to the side. He had a bandana hanging out of his back pocket, his boxers hanging out far too much. His far to oversized shirt held the logo 'DC'. He had the persona of a street gangster.

"Yo, B-Cat, Esmizzle thought you might be parched so I jacked a coke from da' fridge." I shuddered hearing his repulsive slang and for a brief second, wishing I was stuck with Charlie rather than my brother.

_I'm so hooood! I wear my pants below my waist… _I heard Emmett's favorite hood song play in his head for the trillionth time today.

"The only coke I want is in the form of a white powder, lined on the bathroom floor while you bang me from behind for ten bucks." I was utterly appalled at Bella's suggestion.

Hoping for them to turning away from the situation, I decided to focus on the love of my life, my beautiful Isabella. A frustrated scowl crossed my face at the sight of my girlfriend eagerly plunging her fingers into herself all while staring up at my brother. "You want some of this, big boy? Ten bucks." I slapped Bella's hands away from herself, glaring deeply. For equally as long as my brother had thought he was of African descent, Bella had picked up on a nasty cocaine habit, stooping as low as to sell her beautiful body for money to get her next fix. I refused to condone such behavior, never giving her a cent for her addiction.

I barely had time to register another angry, frustrated thought when I heard a series countless thumps descending from upstairs. I threw my frustrated scowl over to the side yard. Charlie was standing there with an insane smile in his face. He stroked his mustache like a human petting a cat. He noticed me staring at him and pointed the pseudo gun at me. I threw my arms in the air as a surrendering motion, like a criminal on TV.

_Ha-ha! _Esme's soft laughter flooded into my thoughts. The look on Emmett's face was fairly amusing; clearly something had happened inside to trigger my brother's laughter. I was about to stand up and see what the commotion was for myself when the screen door jerked open and my other brother Jasper stumbled out.

The smell of Southern Whiskey radiated from his breath as he staggered onto the back patio. His blue jeans were around his ankles in a heap mess, giving us all the distasteful view of his smiley face boxers. He wore no t-shirt, though for some odd reason or another had a pirate hat sitting atop his blond curls. I rolled my eyes in frustration "Did someone say something about hookers and blow?" Bella leaned against the edge of the patio smiling giving a small wave. A low uncontrollable hiss was audibly coming from me.

"EDMUND'S A MUNSTER!!!" Charlie shrieked. I rolled my eyes at his brainless error.

My eyes shot to Bella in a deep scowl, warning her not to say a single word. She seemed to take my hint, though the second I turned away I could see her mouthing the words "ten bucks."

"Jasper, but some damn clothes on." I pushed him out of my way, flinching as he stumbled back and tumbled down the few stairs leading to the back lawn. Almost instantly, Charlie was at Jasper's side as he still lay on the ground, his jaw hanging wide in disbelief. I rolled my eyes.

"Edward! Did you push him down those stairs?!" Charlie stood to his feet, crossing his arms over his chest.

"...No?"

"Lies!" The veins in his neck became prominent as she bellowed this. His face became scarlet with anger. I watched as he pulled his fake gun out for the millionth time today, holding it up to me for the billionth time this hour. "I shoot people like you."

"That's... great, Charlie."

"I'll shoot you too, Emmett!"

Emmett snickered at Charlie's lisping words, trying his hardest to contain his laughter. Charlie's lazy-eyed stare instantly bore into Emmett, Charlie's body shaking in anger. For some reason, Charlie held a huge dislike towards Emmett, though nobody was quite sure as to why.

"Emmett Cullen, you're going to jail!"

By this point, Emmett had broken down into roaring fits of laughter. I half expected him to collapse to the ground and begin rolling around in hysterics. It was impossible not to chuckle beneath my breath, my brother's laughter being far too contagious.

"Emmett Cullen, you need to stop being a jerk!"

"Charlie Swan, you need to stop sticking your dick in the vacuum cleaner." I felt my chuckles grow into laughter, quickly coughing to cover it up. I know it is wrong to laugh at people's misfortunes but seriously, Esme was getting tired of cleaning Charlie's spunk out of the vacuum cleaner.

By now, Charlie was raging. He went from storming away from us, to storming back over to us. His face once again turned scarlet red. He did look angry but, it looked more like he was taking a big giant 'I've been constipated for one week' shit. I could tell Emmett's thoughts were similar to mine. He turned to leave again, before turning back around and launching his toy pistol at Emmett's head. My laughter escalated into loud howls as Emmett stormed into the house to escape Charlie's insanity.

I glanced over to Charlie, narrowing my eyes at him as he aimed his gun at me. For a long moment, we stared each other down until he raised the gun to throw at me as well. Instantly, I darted at my future father in-law, hoisting him over my shoulder before calling to Jasper.

"Jasper, pull up your damn pants and get the logging chains..." I cringed as I heard his thoughts before he spoke them, making my way across the lawn to the nearest tree.

"Logging chains? Good idea, I can use those on Alice!"

"You can use them on me... for ten bucks." I practically growled at Bella's words. I honestly had no idea what had gotten into her over this past year.

It took a few minutes but Jasper had clued into my plot. A few more minutes (along with combined effort) and we had effectively chained Charlie to the tree to keep him out of our hair for the time being. Charlie was growling viciously, mocking our species in anger, all the while trying to aim his spit at us. He reminded me of the monkeys that throw feces at the zookeepers, a soft chuckle escaping my lips at the thought. Someone will un-tie his sooner or later.

"You'll never get away with this, Batman!" I grimaced at Charlie's horrible knowledge of comic books, glancing at Jasper in pity for the poor man.

Carlisle greeted us on the patio, leaning against his cane, I wasn't sure why he carried one around; it wasn't like any vampire really had a bad leg. He was wearing black cottony pajama pants and a red velvety robe. I was beginning to wonder if my father was then next Hugh Heffner. Esme stood behind him, her leg hoisted up around his waist while grinding her private area against my father. I felt invisible vomit welling in my throat. My mother had become quite the sex addict over these past few months; it was enough to have me to willingly gauge my eyes out upon witnessing some of her antics...

Rosalie was still trying to get comfortable on the lawn chair she shared with none other than Jessica Stanly. Rosalie had gone to Brazil for the first time last fall without Emmett and realized she was attracted to woman and men.

When she came back she was still craving some girls. At first Carlisle just thought it was the Brazilian blood but, Rosalie and Jessica started dating and in the winter. Jessica unfortunately moved in the first day of spring. The two were oddly inseparable. On the other hand, Jessica had realized her sexuality after dating Mike Newton last summer, and it was straight—in a bended and twisted up kind of way. She was now a lesbian, and Rosalie was bi.

I wasn't sure at first if having Jessica living with us that was a good thing or a bad thing. On the upside she stopped flirting, liking, thinking, and talking to me while she lived in our house with Rosalie, but now all that attention that used to be directed to me was now directed at Rosalie. Hearing about their intimate times through Jess's perverted head wasn't always peachy either.

Another downside is that Rose and Emmett are taking a break from their relationship. Jessica didn't and still doesn't like men, so they didn't want to start a threesome, and Rosalie wants to _'experiment'– _the word she uses when she tries to guard her thoughts around me—with her sexuality. So now Emmett tries to fuck everything he can get his hands on. And that _something_ is usually _my Bella. _Or the occasional LA party girl-slut.

Alice was probably worse off than Emmett, cowering in the corner with a tin foil hat contraption on top of her head. She held a small walkie-talkie in her hand, listening intently for any subliminal signals the rest of the world had failed to pick up on. The worst part about Alice's current predicament was that it was my entire fault. I'd let her watch one of the good thing from the 70's era and she got entirely obsessed with it. Letting Alice watch Star Wars was the worst decision I've ever made. Looking up at Carlisle he motioned for all of us to gather around.

"As many of you already know, the economy is falling quite harshly this year. Even a family as rich and powerful as ours will suffer the cut backs the country is forcing upon us." I glanced up at Carlisle as be begun the small family meeting he had been planning in his mind for hours now. "I believe it's time we must start making more money on the side, as a security measure. I have already discussed this with my daughters, who are more than eager to begin working the streets. As for my sons, I hope you're just as willing to start hustling drugs."

Emmett grinned widely "Yo! Carrizzle I'm ready to be wit ma' homies! Let'z bizounce!"

Jasper mumbled a slurred approval from the chase lounger .

I threw my hands up in the air as the rest of my siblings agreed, growling up at the sky. "Why me, God? Why the fuck me!?"

**A/N: Did u like it, hate it? Is the humor okay? What about how Emmett talks, is that okay? But most of all WAS IT FUNNY, AT ALL? B/c I'm not usually good with humor. I have the next chapter, but you won't until I get three or more reviews! Remember it's my birthday, so reviews are like presents to me. And hugging Edward Cullen. Lol… click dat green button and you will make me jovial! Lol I love that word! =D have a good day!**


End file.
